At its core, perfectionism is the tendency to have very high standards for ourselves or others. Not all perfectionism is harmful. Research shows that some perfectionistic behaviors are useful and help young people reach meaningful goals. This adaptive form of striving pushes kids and teens to work hard, take pride in their efforts, and stay flexible when things don’t go exactly as planned.
The trouble begins when perfectionism becomes driven by anxiety, guilt, fear of judgment, fear of failure, and shame. Often individuals engaging in problematic perfectionistic behaviors experience fixed thinking and unrealistic expectations. These internal pressures can be relentless and emotionally exhausting, fueling self-criticism, procrastination, and avoidance. And instead of helping kids grow, they slowly shrink the world they feel comfortable living in.
Here are some ways problematic perfectionistic behaviors can show up in a young person’s life.
School and the Pressure to Get Everything Exactly Right
Academic settings are a breeding ground for problematic perfectionistic behaviors. A young person might feel a need for things to be done in a very specific way, redoing steps or checking their work repeatedly to relieve the discomfort of imperfection. Others may delay starting work because beginning feels risky, or finish a task and avoid turning it in because it isn’t perfect. Over time, school becomes less about learning and more about controlling outcomes.
Social Life, People-Pleasing, and the Fear of Being Seen Imperfectly
Social situations are another area where problematic perfectionistic behaviors can show up. Some young people might overthink what they say, rehearse conversations, or avoid certain social situations altogether. Others become chronic people-pleasers, feeling they need to always be agreeable or helpful. Fears of being judged, embarrassed, or perceived negatively can make them feel they must present a “perfect” version of themselves at all times. This limits friendships, prevents authentic connection, and makes everyday social interactions, like starting conversations, meeting new people, or speaking up, feel stressful.
Hobbies, Creativity, and the Loss of Play
Perfectionism doesn’t just affect academics or relationships; it can drain the joy out of hobbies and creative activities. Kids and teens may pull back from or even stop doing the things they love, like drawing, playing music or sports, participating in plays, or trying new things because they feel pressure to be the best. They are scared to even try out of fear that they won’t excel right away or become a star, and their world becomes less playful and curious and more fear-driven.
Decision-Making and the Fear of Choosing Wrong
Another place problematic perfectionistic behaviors show up is in decision-making. Buying gifts, picking out clothes, or deciding where to eat can start to feel overwhelming. Young people may spend so much time thinking through options and trying to find the “best” one that they freeze, avoid choosing, or hand decisions off to others. Avoidance becomes a way of staying “safe.” If they don’t choose, they can’t choose wrong.
Unlearning Problematic Perfectionistic Behaviors
Because problematic perfectionistic behaviors are learned, they can be unlearned, with the right evidence-based support and practice. At InStride Health, we help young people understand that targeting these behaviors in treatment isn’t about lowering expectations or giving up on values like hard work or trying their best. Instead, it’s about teaching them to notice and name these behaviors and associated thoughts and emotions and then choosing new, more flexible ways to respond. This work includes tolerating imperfections and uncertainty through exposures, engaging with thoughts more flexibly, and building genuine self-compassion.
As perfectionism loosens its grip, young people can rediscover the confidence, curiosity, and freedom to try things without needing them to go perfectly. And their world expands again.
