I’ve been working in the mental health field for a long time. And I have been a parent for even longer. One thing I know for certain, after years of experience with both of these things, is that when you or your child blows up over something that seems trivial, it usually has very little to do with the socks, the spilled milk, or the missing homework assignment. These outbursts are usually a sign that something else is going on: that an emotion has been left simmering, unchecked, and unprocessed, and is now boiling over in a way that doesn’t make sense on the surface.
No matter where you live or who you are, emotions are a part of being human. Sometimes those emotions feel like too much. Many of us have been taught to “suck it up” and keep our pain and disappointment to ourselves. In a world where being vulnerable can feel shameful, it sometimes feels nearly impossible to say “I’m struggling.” In fact, many of us were raised to think that having emotions is a sign of weakness. Many of us learned at an early age to “keep the dirty laundry behind closed doors,” to smile bravely no matter what was going on around us or inside us. Many of us still carry that learned behavior into adulthood, especially parents, who often guard their own vulnerabilities from their children. But when we “stuff” what we are feeling, it doesn’t go away. It builds up inside until it finds another way out – often over something small, like an argument about socks.
This morning, for example, my husband, a military veteran who’s carried his share of anxiety and stress through most of his adult life, was in an irritable mood. I could tell the moment I walked in the door. I know him well enough to recognize when he’s nearing his breaking point, and this morning, I saw it. My son called to say, “Dad’s mad at his socks.” He had forgotten to wash them and didn’t have any clean matches. But it wasn’t about the socks. It was about everything else: work that was piling up, life changes, and emotions that he (like many of us) never really learned how to name or process.
My big mistake was what I did next. I got my husband on the phone and tried to reframe the problem in order to fix it. I said, “It’s probably not the socks. You’re just stressed.” I wanted to help him put things in perspective. But I tried to “fix” while he was still in the storm. Because when our emotions are at their peak and we’re flooded, our ability to think is limited. He needed validation and some time and space to settle himself before he could have any semblance of a thoughtful conversation. I needed to pause and slow myself down. The truth, and the thing I want to share with you now, is that when emotions are high and unregulated, our job isn’t to fix – it’s to pause; to breathe; to notice what’s happening inside us before we react to the other person.
Once we’ve settled ourselves, we can respond in a way that helps. And that starts with awareness. We need to recognize our own triggers and name what we’re feeling, rather than pushing it down. So what can we, as parents (and spouses and friends), do to better regulate ourselves in order to better support our children?
Practical Tips for Managing Your Own Emotions:
- Know your triggers. What makes you angry? Tired? Frustrated? Stressed? The more you are aware of these things, the better you can respond.
- Pause. Breathe. Ground yourself. When you feel yourself getting emotional, take a moment. Step back. Slow down your breathing. This creates space for a different, more mindful response.
- Name your emotions. Learning to put a name on what you are feeling (“I am frustrated,” “I am sad,” “I am worried”) helps to take the edge off and connects you to the present moment.
- Practice self-compassion. Feeling vulnerable, anxious, angry, or any of the myriad other emotions we humans feel is part of life. Cut yourself some slack and remember that it’s okay – and even understandable – to have these feelings.
- Model what you want to teach. Let your kids see that it’s okay to feel hard emotions, including fear and worry. Share your feelings in appropriate ways so they understand that having challenges is normal and that handling emotions with care and compassion is a real sign of strength.
- Remember, you’re not alone. Asking for support from a spouse, friend, family member, support group, or therapist is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of self-awareness and self-compassion. Show your kids that it’s okay to ask for help.
And most of all, remember this: Being a parent is not about being perfect. It is about being human. It is about being there for your children, even when things are messy and aren’t going the way you would like. It is about being present and vulnerable enough to recognize and regulate your emotions and showing your kids that their parents are people too. And by doing all of those things, we teach our kids that emotions are a part of being human – that having feelings and learning how to take care of them isn’t just a good thing; it’s an essential part of growing up.
